Why You Should Unfriend Your Children on Social Media

When I was growing up, we communicated by personal visits, phone calls, and letters. Those were pretty much the only means available. And for friends and family who lived in other states, letters were preferred to phone calls, because phone companies charged extra—a lot extra—for long distance phone conversations. Therefore, those were usually saved for special occasions when a little splurge could be justified. These days, hardly anyone writes paper letters; very few friends dare knock on the door unannounced; and phone calls, though no longer costing premiums for distance, have been somewhat supplanted by the plethora of other choices available in our age of electronic communication: email, text messages, face time, Skype, social media, and probably a few others I’ve forgotten or haven’t yet noticed.

Back when there was one phone line for the entire household, there were unwritten rules about phone courtesy: except in emergency, don’t call before 9 a.m. or after 9 p.m.; be polite when someone’s parent answers the phone; wait your turn patiently to use the family phone line or the neighborhood party line. School teachers taught us how to write “proper” letters and gave us practice assignments. It seems to me technology has developed so rapidly that our manners have not kept stride, and we find ourselves in a free-for-all period when no one quite knows what is and is not socially acceptable communication etiquette. My own recent experience has prompted me to begin this conversation by proposing a few elementary rules, just as a starting point. Others are invited to add to my list, as everyone’s peace of mind is at stake here.

Since electronic communication is by its very nature impersonal, there is certain information no one wants to receive by text message or by reading the news on social media. Imagine your significant other texting you that your two-year relationship which you thought would last forever is over or reading on Facebook that your aunt just died or your pastor has run off with the church organist. Or imagine on your leisurely scroll through Facebook seeing photos which your daughter has posted, no doubt discovered on Pinterest, of things she’s considering doing to her hair. That hair which you initially grew inside your own body! But more on that later.

Certain information must be transmitted gently, with great care for the emotional impact it will have on the receiver. Certain things should be said in person, with perhaps flowers and a nice bottle of wine—not just blurted out in a text message or a tweet. If in-person communication is impractical or impossible, a gentle email could work, with a message line warning the receiver to grab the smelling salts and be prepared. An email allows for “wading” room. Text messaging, because of its brevity, requires jumping straight into the deep end, whereas emails can be unlimited length; therefore, the writer can begin at the shallow end and wade gradually toward the big shock. You know: first comes the cordial greeting, then the “I have something to tell you,” then “It’s very sad news,” and so on until you finally reveal the main point. It’s all about preparation.

Consider these three guidelines as a starter list, and think of what might be added.

1. Don’t break up or deliver really shocking news by text message.

The text message is a great tool for sending quick questions, arranging meeting places, updating friends on your progress toward arriving at a meeting place. It’s a great way to send grandparents almost real-time photos of their out-of-state grandkids. It’s not really the most sensitive way to end a relationship. Seriously! Put yourself on the receiving end of this:

“sry to say, i dont want to go out with u n e more.” OR

“its over between us. Sry. Have a nice day. Bye.” OR

“thot u shd no im seeing someone else. pls send back my cd’s.”

Any news which requires any level of sensitivity in the delivery should not be sent via text, especially if the receiver is one of your parents. Pregnancy, coming out, being fired, thinking of leaving your spouse. Trust me, these are things parents REALLY do not want to read when they’re expecting a cooking question or another cute photo of the grands.

“hey mom! just took a pregnancy test and ur gonna be a grandma!”

“dad i shd have told u this years ago. im gay.”

Do you see the problems here? This news requires a level of sensitivity simply not available in the text message format. And a string of emojis doesn’t really count as sensitivity.

2. Regardless of the medium, don’t express important information in a subordinate clause.

For example, “When the pastor and the organist left town, . . .” This is a subordinate clause, and it’s going to take your reader a while to even notice what comes after the comma because they’re too busy absorbing this casual announcement of some pretty shocking info. The fact that it’s in a subordinate clause suggests this is already common knowledge, and the real news is coming next. But to those who hadn’t heard this part of it, THIS IS the real news. Imagine the questions this raises: “What the . . . ???” “WHEN???” And the all-important question, “WHY am I ALWAYS the last to know???” Imagine reading these subordinate clauses unaware:

“When I first found out I was pregnant,”

“Right after I got fired,”

“Just before the accident,”

“When I started dating my significant other’s BFF,”

This information should first be presented in a declarative main clause and should also be included in the list of things not to say via text message.

3. Alert all people with personal interest in your news BEFORE posting it on social media!

For most of us, our time on Facebook, Twitter, or whatever is a welcome respite from the busy-ness of the day. We like to sit with a cup of coffee or glass of wine (in the evening) and scroll through the posts of the day. We smile at the funny memes. We enjoy the vacation photos and the kid and grandkid photos. Even the ubiquitous selfies have become so commonplace that we accept them as part of the social media experience. We pause to reflect and perhaps comment on the rare thought-provoking post. We smile and nod in agreement with those who share our political leanings. We cringe at the political statements of some other friends but choose to scroll quickly by so as to avoid spoiling these brief moments of pleasure and to get past the unflattering comments we just muttered to ourselves about “those” friends. We take our turns at Words with Friends or other game of choice. This mostly peaceful experience is NOT the time or the place we want to learn disturbing information for which we’ve not been previously prepared. This is also where those subordinate clauses can be especially problematic.

Then one day IT happens! You’re having your afternoon Facebook scroll, and you see some photos of hairstyles and then notice that your daughter is the one who has posted these special photos. All of them, which as I said before she no doubt discovered on Pinterest (screw you, PINterest!!!), show various patterns which can be shaved into one’s hair. And your daughter is asking her FRIENDS what they think of the idea because she’s thinking of getting one of these patterns shaved into a section of HER hair! And she’s asking her FRIENDS what they think! Her FRIENDS, NOT her MO-THER! And you’re wondering, which one of those friends carried you in her body for nine long, uncomfortable months while those hair follicles were being formed and when little hairs began to grow? Which one of those friends gave up caffeine—her ONE and ONLY drug—just to be sure your hair follicles and the rest of your body had a peaceful, non-jittery development period? Which one of those friends was unable to eat some of her other favorite foods without puking, grew to the size of a small elephant, walked like a drunk duck for a couple of months, wore clothes created by the local tent maker, had ankles the size of China, had to use five pillows to create a moderately comfortable sleep position, and carries the lifelong stretch marks and flaccid ab skin? Hmmmm? Oh, and who suffered hours of pain to bring you and those precious hair follicles into this world? And you want to know what your FRIENDS think?!

After your very subtle response to the Facebook post–“WHAT???????”–then comes the phone call. In her sweetest voice she says, “Hey, Mama. You saw my Facebook post. What do you think?” Oh, sure, NOW you ask what I think! After being sweetly reassured that this is going to be relatively subtle and will involve no bald spots or weird colors, your blood pressure resumes its normal level, and you remember a few of the weird styles you tried when you were young and adventuresome. Not that any of that matters now, because THAT was different!

Then after the deed is done, you get the phone call where you find out it was the book you sent her that bolstered her courage. That damned book! You recently read a book about boundaries and thought it was soooooo awesome that your daughter must also have a copy, so you went back to Amazon and ordered a copy shipped to her house. That’s Mother of the Year stuff right there! And what is your trophy for this exceptional act of outstanding motherhood? Of course, you should have seen it coming; after all, every parent knows from the time your child begins speaking in full sentences that anything you say can and WILL come back to bite you in the butt. However, walking into a hair salon thinking, “My mom’s going to hate this, and that’s not my problem” is NOT what your daughter was supposed to get from the book about boundaries! In fact, maybe you need to call Amazon because they must have sent her a different edition than the one you read. You’d have remembered if that was in your edition. (Screw you, too, AMazon!)

And that brings me to the title of this little piece: Unfriend your children on social media. Then they’ll be forced to call and break these little bits of news gently and sensitively. OR you won’t find out at all until the current whim has passed. And sometimes ignorance actually is bliss.