A female member of my family, troubled that her boss had made an unwelcome pass at her, once confided the experience to one of our aunts. The aunt’s response was “Honey, in my day, we considered that a compliment!” Those days are over, and good riddance to them! Today’s women are smart enough to know that the attention of a powerful man is not always a sign he finds us attractive; and being seen as attractive by someone who’s under the influence of a few drinks or is drunk on his own power and authority was never really much of a compliment. We’ve also learned in the years between my aunt and my mother’s generation, my generation, and my daughter’s generation that sexual aggression has little to do with sex and a lot to do with power and control, with men’s desperation to retain their supremacy in a world where that supremacy is being challenged and undermined by women determined to change the old rules.
The #metoo movement has given women a voice to speak frankly about men’s misbehavior and a safe space in which their voices can be heard, believed, and respected. With every freedom and privilege, however, comes the caveat that the freedom must be exercised responsibly, and this safe space provided by the #metoo umbrella must not be violated by women who speak irresponsibly or who fail to understand the impact of their words.
I am keenly aware that I’m wading into a snake-infested swamp by addressing this topic, but these are things I think need to be said. I can already feel the hot breath and see the fangs of those poised to attack, but please at least hear me out. I’d like to begin by attempting to set aside what I anticipate to be some strong objections.
Anything less than full-throated endorsement of every claim made by a woman is most frequently seen as “blaming the victim,” so let’s start with that. Blaming the victim means accusing a woman who has suffered the trauma of sexual assault of “asking for it” by the way she was dressed or by something she said or did, and that’s deplorable. No woman deserves to be assaulted, and no one “asks for it.” If a woman is standing in the middle of the street naked, men should turn away and be responsible for their own actions rather than assuming the woman is inviting their advances. A man who does take advantage of the situation and commits an assault is 100% at fault and responsible for his crime.
That said, blaming the victim does not include excusing women for making irresponsible accusations or suggesting they could have resisted certain misconduct. This seems a good place to distinguish between use of force and other types of unwanted contact. Use of force is criminal and should be treated as such. The perpetrator bears full responsibility for his action, and the victim bears no responsibility; she is a victim who deserves justice, not blame. Many women are not equipped to resist forcible assault, but most of us can resist an unwanted kiss or touch; and if we fail to do so, we have to acknowledge our cooperation with the misconduct. If we say we want more power, we have to accept that power and use it. Not every inappropriate advance is an assault; sometimes it’s just an inappropriate advance, and we have always had the power to resist those advances.
Another issue I think needs clarifying is that one group of people does not gain power by destroying the group that has traditionally held the advantage. Women want respect, we want a level playing field. Our goal, in my mind, should be to make men understand, not to make them suffer, however tempting that latter goal may be. The world needs all of the good, intelligent leaders it can get; some will be female and some will continue to be male. That’s good; and it will require mutual respect, understanding, and cooperation. Anger, vengeance, and divisiveness will be counterproductive to our goals.
There’s one more attitude I’ve always found disturbing, and I’d be a wealthy woman if I were given a dollar for every time in my 40+ years of grading student essays that I read students’ descriptions of the bad old days. Young women like to talk about how things were “back in the day,” when women lived in chains and darkness, before their generation arrived on the scene to set women free and make everything okay. My first response to that is that I do not recall my grandmothers being miserable, oppressed women. Both of them were strong women who were not shy about speaking their minds and who could teach any younger woman alive today a thing or three. Yes, they lived under a different set of societal rules, but dissatisfaction with those norms was far from universal. Nonetheless, social change was already afoot, and my grandmothers acquired the right to vote when one was in her 30s, the other in her 40s. Women were beginning to seek higher levels of education, and World War II provided the impetus for many women to take their places in the work force. That generation’s activism is evidence of their strength and vision, not of their powerlessness. Women continue to struggle today and in some ways I believe are less well off than my grandmothers were. The work continues, but I think we would be better served by a more accurate picture of history.
That brings us to our current situation. The most recent man to find himself in the crosshairs of female accusation and scrutiny is Joe Biden. Upon announcing his possible candidacy for POTUS, he was greeted by the accusations of several women who claim Joe’s touchy-feely style has, on at least one occasion, made them feel uncomfortable. Well, this new protocol for greeting an announcement of political intention by hanging out all of the person’s dirty laundry is making me uncomfortable, and I think some group reflection is in order. There are some questions we’d do well to ask ourselves before making or acting on an accusation.
Here’s the account which I think bothers me most.
As reported in The Intelligencer,
When Amy Lappos was a congressional aide for U.S. representative Jim Himes in 2009, she claims that Biden touched and rubbed his nose against hers during a political fundraiser. “It wasn’t sexual, but he did grab me by the head,” she told Hartford Courant on April 1. “He put his hand around my neck and pulled me in to rub noses with me. When he was pulling me in, I thought he was going to kiss me on the mouth.”
Here’s what I find disturbing. Although this encounter was brief, it wasn’t just a quick grab or touch. There was a short process: he grabbed her by the head, put his hand around her neck, pulled her in, rubbed noses. At what point did she begin feeling uncomfortable, and why at that point did she not simply pull away? And if she thought he was about to kiss her on the mouth, why did she not move to be sure that didn’t happen? What I’m reading here is a woman allowing herself to be powerless against an unwanted touch when the perpetrator was not using force. She said she didn’t file a complaint because he was vice president and she was “a nobody,” and perhaps that also explains her reason for feeling she couldn’t resist. But it doesn’t explain her reason for believing that one incident from 2009 should influence our decision on whether Joe Biden should be elected president in 2020.
Joe Biden’s actions were wrong, and he bears full responsibility for what he did, but she bears responsibility for what she did not do but had the power to do. Like every woman I know, I have been the subject of unwanted advances, including attempts at kissing me on the lips. I have resisted those advances and in most cases been able to remain friends with the man without further incident. I can’t think of any incident in my life which, if the man announced his intention to run for political office, would compel me to speak up and share my account of his behavior with the world. If any of them had, however, involved the use of force or been indicative of a shady character, you bet I’d let the world know.
I’m not defending Joe Biden, and I think there are plenty of reasons he should not be president; I just don’t think these accusations should be the things that disqualify him. So how do we weigh accusations of misconduct? How do we decide when they’re deal breakers and when they’re not the most important information about the accused? Most obviously, we all have to be willing to set aside party affiliation and judge each case on the relevant information. No one of any party should be given a pass for sexual misconduct, and no one of any party should have his reputation or his career derailed by irresponsible accusations and sensationalist media treatment of those reports.
I think the most important question and one which is not always easily answered is whether the behavior is a personality problem or a character problem. Personality problems are still problems and should be addressed, but if the accused is willing to admit he has a flaw and do the work of changing, I don’t think that issue alone should be disqualifying.
The seven or so reports against Joe Biden so far seem to indicate that these actions are the result of a warm, affectionate, caring personality, paired with a certain amount of tone-deafness toward the changes which have been in effect long enough that he should have caught on by now. He’s not blameless, but are these actions alone enough to end his career? When Bill Clinton was forced to admit his marijuana use during college, he felt compelled to mitigate the impact by famously claiming he “did not inhale.” When Kamala Harris freely admitted some marijuana use, she added with a laugh, “And I did inhale.” Times have changed, and it’s not always easy to keep up, but those who seek positions of leadership have to keep working at it.
Here is Biden’s response to the allegations:
“I shake hands, I hug people, I grab men and women by the shoulders and say, ‘You can do this.’ Whether they are women, men, young, old, it’s the way I’ve always been. It’s the way I show I care about them, that I listen. Social norms have begun to change, they’ve shifted. And the boundaries of protecting personal space have been reset. And I get it. I get it. I hear what they’re saying, I understand it. And I’ll be much more mindful. That’s my responsibility and I’ll meet it.”
Right answer, Joe! Now shut-up and stop making dumb jokes about hugging people on public platforms.
I can’t see a character flaw in a guy who was a little slow catching on to the shifting norms regarding personal space and who promises he’ll do better. How clean does someone have to be to be eligible for public service? Are we eliminating good people by nitpicking every moment of their lives?
I do see an enormous character flaw in a guy who has bragged about grabbing women by the pussy because he can, because he’s a celebrity and they’ll allow him to do whatever he wants. I see huge character flaws in a guy who rapes an unconscious woman behind a dumpster and then leaves her to possibly die there and in priests and ministers who prey on vulnerable children and adults who look to them for spiritual support and guidance. And those character failings are exacerbated by failure to accept responsibility, to repent, and to discard attitudes of white male privilege. Everyone deserves a second chance to be a better human being and a better citizen; but I believe one such strike, revealing a corrupt character, should be an automatic out for serving as POTUS or other high official. And I would say the same thing if Joe Biden were a Republican and Donald Trump a Democrat. Corrupt character is corrupt character, regardless of the labels it wears.
I don’t enjoy being called terms of endearment by strangers, male or female. If I’m not your “hon” or your “honey” or your “sweetheart,” I’d prefer you not call me that. Although I’m human enough to be flattered by an appreciative or admiring look from a man, when that look turns to something more like a leer or threat, I’m outta here. I appreciate men who know how to read signals and who respect the need for consent before even the most innocent of physical contact. I’m also aware of my own tendency to touch and my sometimes negligence to read the signals correctly. As Joe Biden says, norms have changed, and they continue to evolve; so it’s everyone’s responsibility to keep up. But do we really need to pillory every person who has a lapse in judgment?
The #metoo movement is a great start, but we still have work to do if we want true equality and justice. We need to set realistic standards for our leaders, recognize our common humanity, and work toward understanding and cooperation among people of all genders and sexual orientations. Just how clean does a person have to be to qualify for leadership? Are we bypassing good people because of personality quirks? Are we electing people of corrupt character because they happen to belong to our party or promise to advance our own agendas? Are we allowing conduct in candidates and officials within our own political party that we condemn in those from an opposing party? What is the motive behind lodging a public accusation? Is it to humiliate, to avenge, to assert our own power? Or is the matter so serious that we truly believe it disqualifies the perpetrator from ever serving in public office? Are we, with encouragement from sensationalist media reports, focusing so much on accusations of improper personal conduct that we don’t bother looking at a candidate’s policies and stances on important issues?
Perhaps the most important question is, can we handle our own problems and uncomfortable moments without feeling the need to bring everything to the public square? That’s a difficult question in the age of the Internet and social media, where we can’t even eat dinner without feeling compelled to post a photo for our friends to see. But we have to try. #Metoo is an important step, but there’s much work left to be done.